Intimacy by Dr. Ava Cadell
What is intimacy and how can I experience it? This is a universal question that I am asked so often that I’d like to give you my definition of intimacy.

“Let’s start by breaking down the word intimacy and look at it phonetically. Into sounds very inviting doesn’t it? When you get into something, it means you really want to be there, right? What about Me See? You’re saying,“This is ME. See me, all of me because I have nothing to hide.” It’s like having a long zipper from your head to your toes, opening it and saying, “here I am.” Intimacy is about getting rid of protective layers and facades and revealing yourself to someone you truly love.

•Intimacy is not a wild, rapid passion, but a slow burning passion.
•Intimacy doesn’t have to be serious; it can be fun like a Monopoly game. Your goal in Monopoly is to own expensive hotels on Park Place, but you can’t do that until you have purchased some less expensive properties on Baltic Ave. It’s the same with intimacy. Your goal is to connect with someone mentally, emotionally, and sexually, but you have to work your way up to it by taking your time, getting to know your partner, exploring non-sexual areas, and work up to primary erogenous zones.
•For intimacy you need to be 100% present and enjoy the journey as much as the destination.
•When a woman feels intimate with her man, she feels safe and she will surrender herself to him so she can feel ultimate pleasure and satisfaction without any inhibitions.
•For a man intimacy can be better than sex because it takes the pressure off performance and it makes him feel valued by his partner
As a visual aid to demonstrate the five keys to intimacy, I ask my clients to hold up their prominent hand as we go through each finger to define the five steps to Intimacy:1.Thumb – When we raise our thumb, what does it symbolize? Everything is OK. Your thumb represents your ego. In order to experience intimacy you need to surrender your ego. Intimacy is not about conquest, but a personal journey with someone you love. So step one is to surrender your ego, let your partner see who you really are, even when you’re feeling vulnerable.
2.Forefinger – When you wag your forefinger at someone or when they wag it at you, what does that represent? This is the finger of authority and knowledge. But what about when you were a child and you pointed your forefinger, what did it represent then? The forefinger is also the finger that was used in the movies ET and Cocoon to touch the extraterrestrials inquisitively. So the second step towards intimacy is to always be curious and willing to learn about your partner’s wants, needs, desires, and fears.
3.Middle finger – What do you think this finger represents? It’s called the “swear finger” and it means “up yours” in slang terms. It’s a sign of defiance! Yet it’s a sign to express how you feel. In relationships men often repress their feelings, especially successful powerful men who learn that success comes from not expressing feelings because that shows weakness. But you cannot experience intimacy without letting down your defenses and opening up your heart. Soften your swear finger and you’ll experience the third step towards intimacy. That is to open up your heart, verbalize, and demonstrate your emotions to your partner because they cannot read your mind.
4.Ring finger – This is the finger that people use to display their wedding ring on. It’s also the finger of hope and trust. You wouldn’t dream of marrying someone you didn’t trust. The forth step to achieving intimacy is for you to earn your partner’s trust and respect by being non-judgmental and unconditionally supportive and loving. A prelude to this is to trust and respect you because if you don’t, then you can’t expect your partner to either.
5.Pinky – What do you think of when you wave your pinky finger? As children we interlock pinkies when we want to keep a promise, so let’s apply this finger to the fifth step to intimacy as the promise of a deeper connection through open and honest communication. Make time for quality communication with your partner every single day where you both take turns talking, listening and acknowledging each other.

Remember the five steps to Intimacy and think of intimacy like an artichoke. You have to peel off the layers and savor them before you can devour the succulent tender heart.

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