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1.Take Some Initiative: Don’t just do what you know is going to get me off. Have fun, show me what you like to do to me. Don’t simply go through the motions.
2.Kiss Something Besides My Mouth: My lips are like one percent of me; your kiss feels good on the other 99 percent.
3.Take All Your Clothes Off: Shirt, shoes, no service. I want it off. I want it all off!
4.Make Some Noise: You don’t have to impersonate R. Kelly, but please let me know when and where I’m pleasing you.
5.Watch The Hair: Unless you’re pulling it intentionally, please don’t pin my hair down accidentally. It hurts and I don’t want to ruin the mood by complaining about it.
6.Look Me In The Eye: We don’t have to lock eyes forever, but a solid check-in makes me feel desired and gives me the chance to flash you a sexy look.
7.Focus On The Sweet Action: Don’t be high-five-ing yourself in the mirror, writing your grocery list in your head, etc. I’m right in front of you, and I’m naked. Focus!
8.Ask Me What I Like: You might really like what I say.
9.Let Me Know What You Like: If I’m sleeping with you, I want to make this fun for everyone. So, don’t be shy, boys.
Want to increase the probability that you’re going to have at least one, and maybe multiple, orgasms the next time you have sex?

“It’s the foreplay, stupid.”

Okay, well I know that we women aren’t stupid and our partners aren’t either, but sometimes the obvious answer is staring us right in the face. So to speak
Okay, well I know that we women aren't stupid and our partners aren't either, but sometimes the obvious answer is staring us right in the face. So to speak.

Foreplay!

For many, this lead-up to intercourse is as pleasurable, if not more so, than the actual act of intercourse.

And for women like me, whose minds never stop, the prolonged stimulation allows you to relax and focus on whom you're with and what you're doing. And forget about the 100 items on your to-do list.

What's even better? That there are many different types of foreplay. You get to experiment and see (and feel) what turns on you and your partner. Because one person's turn-on might be another's turn-off.

What's even better? That there are many different types of foreplay. You get to experiment and see (and feel) what turns on you and your partner. Because one person's turn-on might be another's turn-off.

And foreplay doesn't just have to take place in the moments before intercourse. Start earlier in the day with a little "guess what I'm going to do to you later" talk or some surreptitious touching while you're out to dinner.

It's all about the build-up, smart people.

Here are some foreplay ideas to try out together:

Biting: Yes, sensual biting can be a turn-on. Not leaving teeth marks in the arm biting, but quick nips in sensitive areas like the neck or the inner thigh.

Eating: The whole 9 1/2 Weeks blindfold thing. Try it. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. The food is actually secondary. The blindfold and lack of control have a lot to do with the intense turn-on factor.

Talking: Talk dirty to me baby. It doesn't have to be nasty, just sexy. You can do this over the phone, in person, or even with a text.

Kissing: Mouth to mouth contact sometimes gets left out of foreplay. But real kissing, like full on high
Undressing: How often do you get to just look at your partner's naked body? Maybe in the shower, while they're sleeping. But most of the time, we're clothed. So make a deal out of getting undressed. Do it slowly and teasingly.

Massaging: Use some massage oil and take turns massaging each other. Relaxing and sensual, especially if you know there's going to be a happy ending.

Oral sex: Technically, it's a part of foreplay. But it could be the main event. Whenever you decide to add this in to your lovemaking is the right time.

Do you spend time on foreplay?I love living in the technological era.

There are more than enough distractions to keep me from getting anything done. I can email my neighbor to ask if she has any extra toilet paper, find out on Facebook what my former best friend from elementary school ate for dinner last night, and post my every move on Twitter. Don't you want to know that I had pre-melanoma cells removed from my left breast? And won't you want to see the pathology report when it comes back?

But I especially love my cell phone. With one semi-small device, I can take pictures, surf the Internet, check my email while waiting in line at the deli counter, and send text messages with abandon.

And this: Foreplay has never been easier.

It's not what you think. I'm not setting my cell phone's alarm to have it vibrate and go off repeatedly while resting in my lap. (Well, maybe I've done that once or twice.)

I use text messaging to enhance my intimacy with my husband. Ok, maybe not intimacy. I use it to keep the sparks burning. He works a lot. And sometimes, while I'm waiting for him to get home, I'll send a suggestive text message to his phone. ("Can't wait to f@#k you" or "I'm horny. Hurry home.")

sent him a racy picture once but regretted it after the fact. All it takes is for one friend to get a hold of that jpeg. I don't want my face or any other part of my anatomy spread all over the Internet. I have my reputation to think about. I don't want to be another Vanessa Hudgens or Brett Favre, even if the pictures were meant for my own husband.

I've also realized that I have to be careful with my text messages. A few months ago, my husband received a text message from me while he was at work. His hands were deep in chicken breasts and he asked one of his employees to read the text to him. Oops. Luckily, it was one of my fairly milder messages. "Just got waxed. Bald beaver awaits u."

Now we work around that problem by having a set of code words. Beaver becomes octopus. Sex becomes biking. Horny becomes brassy. You get the idea.

The only time I don't use codes is when I know for sure that he's going to be the one to receive it. Like when we're the only two people home and, from upstairs, I text for a booty call. "Get your ass up here."

Have any of your salacious text messages ended up in the wrong hands?
What about sexting your man? Here are some racy sexts from the website She Knows. (Wait, if you're only texting words, not photos, is it a sexy text or a sext? If I have to ask, I'm surely too old.) Here goes:

•u look hot 2day
•hey baby
•i want to touch u
•wanna come play?
•thinking bout u right now
•what r u wearing?
•cnt wait 2 c u
What Ian From Good in Bed Had to Say:
This couldn't be further from the truth. As the author of "She Comes First" (an entire book that's basically one long ode to the joys of cunnilingus), I can honestly say that the vast majority of men that I've spoken with (and I've had the chance to speak to thousands of 'em) take a gung-ho "viva la vulva" attitude when it comes to going down on their female partners.

In fact, many men complain that they're not the ones with the issue. As it turns out, many women, like yourself, worry that guys don't really enjoy going down, or you worry that you're taking too long, or that your smell/taste might be unappealing. Many women also have a low sense of genital self-esteem, and feel like their vulvas are not necessarily their most attractive feature.That's why I have an entire chapter in "She Comes First" entitled "the Cunnilinguist Manifesto", in which I remind men that, "Only by inspiring trust will you lull a woman into a deeper, more instinctive zone of the self, a place where she can shed all inhibition and surrender herself to the soft warm wetness of the tongue.
To that end, the Three Assurances of the Cunnilinguist Manifesto are as follows:
• Going down on her turns you on; you enjoy it as much as she does.
• There's no rush; she has all the time in the world. You want to savor every moment.
• Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful: It all emanates from the same, beautiful essence."

These days almost all heterosexual porn includes some de rigeuer cunnilingus, so most guys will usually dive in (pun intended) and don't have to be asked. The bigger problem is that so many guys use porn-style cunnilingus moves and make like a cobra defending itself from a mongoose. One woman complained of her guy's oral-sex style, "It's like the running of the bulls in Spain -- a mad stampede for my clit."

So, rather than worry that a guy might not be into going down, instead focus on how to give him constructive feedback. Let him know what feels good and what doesn't. It's always OK to tell a guy to be gentler, or to slow down, or to keep doing what he's doing – we tend to get a little over-excitedIf you have a guy who's a little shy, you can always tell him that you had a sexy dream about him, and when he asks you what you dreamed about, be sure to include some long-lasting cunnilingus in your description. But if your guy needs a little nudge, then give him one. Literally. Gently push his head in a southernly direction during foreplay. And if he is one of those "bad men" who likes to get more than give, or has some old-school ideas about feminine hygiene, then it's time to set him straight. He needs to know that the vagina is a self-cleaning eco-system, and that when it comes to female orgasm, the tongue is mightier than the sword.
Ian Kerner, PhD, is a sexuality counselor and New York Times bestselling author of numerous books for Harper Collins, including "She Comes First" and "Love in the Time of Colic." He appears frequently on the "Today" show and CBS's "Early Show" and lives his wife and two boys in New York City. He holds advanced degrees from New York University and is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists....................





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